I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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