Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
