it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
