dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
is wine microwaveable?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
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There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now