I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.