I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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