I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
