I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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