He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
