Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
