He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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