I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
