I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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