Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
