Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
