life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
