Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
