Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
