You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
