Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
