Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
