i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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