my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
