Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
