I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
