Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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