we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
