I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
