the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
