Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
