It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
