Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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