I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
