Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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