Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
