We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
