I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.