So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.