Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.