so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible