and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
