Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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