you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
