Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
