he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
