I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
