Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
