I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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