3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
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LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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