I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
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