The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
