True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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