I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
