Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
