Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she woke up with a sticky ear
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
