i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
