someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
