Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
