if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
