I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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